Vacating Emotion

1_No Longer Silenced Meme

Human beings cannot continue to treat each other like crap and expect to still be treated kindly.

It just is not going to work that way.

It is the law of opposites in that, for the most part, two energies of the same intensity can live next to each other but not in the same space at the same time.

It does not work.

Literally, we cannot see where the light is if the darkness is not there. I have always been, by that alone, the Light in the Darkness of ignorance, of unacceptance, of judgment by others….as we all have been. This means that what you read about this law is the truth because while the darkness needs to be so that the light can be seen, sometimes, it is the depth of the darkness that is so dark that it takes more than only one light to permeate it. .

I would love to be able to just post how I am feeling on my social media profiles, but I wonʻt. It is not only because of my own high standards (whether you want to believe that or not, it is the very truth), but, because I find in everything that happens in my life is a chance to teach and not….emote.

And as a Pisces woman….man oh MAN can I EMOTE! It is part of our claim to fame, really.

Of course, I also have my own standards of professionalism which are directly tied to my Hawaiian Maoli Soul and when we are talking about that part of me, which is pretty much All Of Me, we are talking about a whole lot more than just what people see. I Am one of those people whose lives is a huge science experiment and yeah…social soul experience, to see if Who I Am makes a difference in the lives of others, particularly those who we deem as being very close with us. At this time in my life it is very difficult for me to think clearly – and really, it has nothing to do with C-PTSD, and everything to do with what I can only, at this point in time and at this time in the morning on any given Sunday, turn my head from.

It is ugly, the way that I have felt for now three Sundays in a row, and those who would raise this energy in me?

The silent treatment…

In Natasha Tracyʻs The Silent Treatment: Are You Getting the Cold Shoulder?  the author explains a few things, very well, about how resentment in relationships creates a situation where one person has emotional control over the other via the silent treatment. The relationship that I Am writing about today has nothing to do with my partner David. He and I are able to get through things, and what appears, at times, to be the silent treatment is actually the two of us knowing ourselves well enough to NOT speak to one another for a few days for the well being of the relationship and more importantly, ourselves apart from “Us.”

We were not taught this method of …yeah, actually being there for each other, even if it means that we do not talk to each other for a bit. We were not taught this, because we both came from situations emotionally that had the propensity to take us out in some manner. Rather than take it out on each other, we created this manner of non-communication and it is this one element that we both know is crucial to not only the two of us as our “Us,” but more importantly ourselves as singular Beings.

What we both have been shown throughout our lives is this shit called the silent treatment. The silent treatment, as I know it to be, is a major contributor to the damages done and that create emotional issues. It is a human propensity to deflect pain rather than to deal with it when we experience it. I cannot deflect it, for the sake of my sanity and my science. I tend to walk right into it, sometimes not even seeing it, this thing called pain.

It is why both David and I know it so well.

Pain.

The each of us knows well the damages that not being clear about things in terms of relationships with anyone at all can cause. We both know, too, that the silence between partners, while it can corrode what beauty has been built, it is sometimes needed, specifically when we are talking about each partner having the same thing  – the issues with PTSD/C-PTSD.

The silent treatment is not only something that one partner does to the other in a romantic relationship. Remember – we have relationships in every part of our lives, and our most important close personal ones are the ones that color our world. Our world has two parts – the inner and the outer. It is the outer world, the one where I Am smiling and the one where I Am being the Me Who I Am ….then there is the inner world.

The inner world is where I hurt and is where I keep my silent self, the one who does not want me to cry on the outside anymore. It is not that I Am looking at things and sighing and saying to myself “Poor, poor me…” because on the tangible side of things, I so have got this.

I Am actually looking at all of the facets of the thing that is making me think thoughts that I do not want to and coming not only to a bitter acceptance of certain things but more, the truth that I have known from the time that I was a tiny little kid.

Sometimes, the silence comes from a group, and it is or can be wielded as power over another group, or, the group over one person. In this instance, it is both, and the dynamics are all there that are making it known to Me and by my scientist self that what is happening here is nothing short of abuse being handed to me and my kids. Yeah and I will say it – no matter who wants to think what they will of me, me and my family have the other side of a story that everyone else knows exists, but that no one wants to hear, because in hearing it, it would mean that they would have to care and really – I find it hard to believe that any of them actually cares, that there are three who are worried, but not really about me and how this is making me feel and how this is making me NOT snap but is instead throwing me into a deeper spiral of manic depression…which yeah – I have been officially diagnosed with….they all know it.

It appears that if you cannot see my damage as physical injury or unwellness, then it is not real, or at least not as bad as it can be and has been. What has been my own experience is “out of sight, out of mind” and that has never been the way that I have personally done things. 

Leaving things and people proverbially and horrifically undone, their build up of wellness they have created for themselves neatly taken for granted because my medicine did not come in a bottle, and my god is not a mangod but a Goddess and my kids were raised up with actual ohana who knows what Aloha is for real and how important it is to truly live in its light. No one thinks about it when they are planning to “teach someone else a lesson” and when it happens that they decide that they are going to teach a behavioral scientist who is also a teaching as well as practicing Kahuna and who has been walking on both sides of the Veil of Consciousness her whole life, some sort of …lesson… in what is and what is NOT acceptable, in what is and what is NOT abusive tactics – that scientist with a clue and a high GPA decides when she has had enough abuse. 

That was decided a very long time ago – She has had enough abuse.

No one wants to think of it that way but, there is yet another side to this reality that is mine, that is my kidsʻ, and it is not a reality that is not known about – in fact it is the thing…this certain reality and its facets that actually intrigue me. Here we have this group of people who want to believe that what is being done in the emotional sense is somehow healthy and no…haha…not even a tiny little bit is it anywhere NEAR healthy – at ALL.

All my life I have suffered the damned slings and arrows of abuse that was called and believed to be discipline, and I am not wrong  – it was not ever discipline, and in the hierarchy of Hawaiian families, this phenomena still is lived through, and some kids are still brought up in an energy that is fearful. Then one day, some of those kids decide to be brave and create a new and better way to teach our own kids, through being a very goo example of being a very good human being, exactly how to be good Humans.

I did just that – I set out to raise Good Hawaiian Human Beings and did just that.

I could not have done that if it were not my MOTHER who showed me this way.

And yeah…I say it a lot – I have photos, witnesses, have it in writing….that my kids are phenomenal human beings. In order to have that, you have to be a phenomenal human being, yourself. 

When you are not, it will show in the kids you have raised. You cannot escape this one thing -truly, the apple does not fall far from the tree, and in my case, the Pineapples were as sweet and lovely as they ought to have been.

David …he calls me Pineapple.

Figure it out.

Words do damage, as we all know, but silence makes it worse.

As a survivor of domestic violence and emotional abuse, it appalls me in the biggest way that there are people who we share the air with who are very well believing things about any one of us that are not the truth (because it is not a dramatic truth) and neither is it a truth where they get to brag about how heroic they were doing what violent or shame producing thing they did to take down the “bad guy” – usually the abused person.

They have made up this much of their collective mind, and this is the thing that a lot of us who have survived abuse in partnership are able to see once it is that we are apart from those people who caused us so much pain for so long a time. Eventually, we see where it was made “normal” that we would become someoneʻs victim, even though we would not ever be the one to just walk into that sort of thing.

I did not.

This sort of crap is the opposite of normal when you are a normal thinking, emoting, loving human being – it is the opposite of normal if it makes you cry and sometimes not able to stop crying (my therapist would say it is the truth). No one who does not go through what I go through will ever know what it is like to try hard to not believe the things that go through your head about yourself. I had to study Psychology, become degreed twice in it, in two different disciplines of it and now, for the third time, in what is being called God or Spirit Science, which is the study and research of Neurocognition.

When I started studying for the third time around, I began seeing where it is that we are taught by the people in our lives, and from a very young age, who is and who is not, who will be and who will have to PROVE being, “good” to a certain set of people.

This is bullshit. This is what a lot of people have gone through, and by right of my coaching the college students of planet earth and my part of that collegiate world, this is what a WHOLE LOT OF KIDS STILL GO THROUGH.

And again, I will state it, in writing, because I say it all the time – you are not, we are not, no one was ever meant to NOT BE all that the each of us is meant to Be. We are NOT HERE for the purpose of the group, but, are here to ENHANCE the purpose of the group with OUR SPECIFIC gifts. If it is that the group, no matter WHAT group it is in our lives wants to manipulate us in some way to make us Be who THEY want us to be, then it is time to get the hell OUT of that group and go and find another group to be a part of. If you cannot find a group, THEN CREATE THE GROUP.

I did just that.

There is an entire generation of people on this planet for whom the silent treatment was the only way that they would not be the abusers that they might have seen, which were primarily drunken and physical. On one hand I get it, but on the other hand I donʻt get how anyone could just believe that harming someone else with silence rather than allowing them freedom through the truth even if it initially hurts them…is somehow better.

It has actually made me silent, and made me contemplate my words prior to expressing them here, because yeah – I totally KNOW what it is like to feel imposed upon, a lot. No one sees it that way, the emotional taxation that has been imparted on me, and no one seems to see the damages that were caused by the things that I believed, that I held in hope and high regard as to what I felt and still feel is successful, even if it wears my tired worn expression. I worked to Be This Me.

This Me cannot be silent, as much as this Me cannot punish people and will not. I prefer to actually teach people from what goes on in my life at the current time, and not because I want to start trouble, but because I still hurt, and the hurt is being made more and more real everyday, the wound being made to fester and the infection that is the sadness being the one thing that is making me look forward to Friday….therapy day….weeeeeee *sighs*

To impart yet more silence onto situations, believing that it decompresses it is wrong, and the ugliness there is that there are some theories of thought that state that we ought to not leave the abused alone (as was stated to me in a phone conversation with a medical person – that her textbook learning told her that I ought to not be all by myself…it is situational, apparently), that the formerly abused needs the support of their group and most of all, each of us needs to do things apart from and differently than the way they have been done for generations.

Perhaps this is done in hopes that we will get some sort of pass, by right of DNA, to continue the abuse we want to call “discipline” or more….hahahahaaa – that shit called “tough love” and when the fuck was love meant to be tough? It IS NOT.

None the less – no one gets that pass, no matter what.

These things did not become apparent to me until most recently when it was that I realized how it began…this insidious thing in my life called emotional issues caused by PTSD/C-PTSD. What no one in our lives understands is that once it is that we have been able to get the apparent abuser(s) out of our lives, and while it is that parts of us will remain “broken” (and we will adjust like I Have had to…keep reading….) we actually thrive, even in our brokenness – we create the Mosaic called “The Self” from said same very brokenness…this is called healing the Self.

The thing that too many people do not understand is that just because the apparent  abuser is gone, it does not mean that the issues are gone, and it does not mean that somehow, you were not an instrument that brought anyone to the point that I was brought.

And make no mistake, I ainʻt just broken – over this one thing …I am devastated, shattered and feeling like that child who was bullied by the group, told that she was a monkey and that she deserved punishment for whatever it was that she was already crying for, which was likely some adult without a soul talking shit to me when I was a tiny little kid. While it is that the adult Me does not give a damn about a lot of these things outwardly, the kid in me is a mess, and the kid in me is waiting for someone who is not me to make this right and the adult Me keeps parenting the kid in me as gently as I can and constantly reminding the crying messy kid Me that no matter what, the silence is the proof I need.

The silence is the weapon, is the control.

I know it very well.

I donʻt do things this way.

It is taking a bit of time, this dealing with all these things, all these losses, and they are not just recent ones, but the ones that have been in manifest for years, specifically the loss of hope in terms of people actually asking me for the truth rather than accepting only half of it as being the only important part of it. If I were to actually tell ALL of the truth….and the proof that goes with it….what you are reading might not seem like some sort of jumbled thought process being expressed in rambling words.

What you are reading is completely how I am feeling right this moment. I feel like part of me died, like that messy crying Kid in my psyche who is not stomping mad but crying sad doesnʻt count.

She does.

She knows she does, I tell her, the Mom Me, that she matters, and that she is not only where my big imagination comes from, but, what I can DO with that big imagination. And she knows that she does, because without her, this me does not know that I have a lot of stories to tell, and all of them are the Truth. 

Even if I Am the Only One who ever listens to her….She knows that she matters, and she knows this because the Mom I Am tells her kids that they are loved, every day of their lives. I tell them this everyday, even when we are hot-headed stomping mad at each other. This same thing applies to David and my friend…hahahaa….Amber – hahahahaha (She know why I Am laughing…I Am betting she might be too….”asshole friends” hahahahahahahah…I Love You, chick hahahahahahahahaaa). I tell the kid in me that she is the one whose voice I put into words, and that I Am the Mom I became because I wanted to Be the Mom that I would have loved as much as I Love My Own Mom.

I listen to the Little Me who lives in my memories and I tell that little girl that for all of the bad things that people have told her, all of her life, that even though she feels so tiny sometimes, she is a Big Big Gigantic force called Aloha, and She learned well, through what it is not and never was, versus what she Knows that It Is, which is what She Is and will always, always only Be…that thing, that energy called Aloha that is the highest form of love that there is.

No matter what.

#DontCryOe

#LosAngelesKahunaRox

#TheCrabAndTheFish

#TheRockin9th

 

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