We all have a story…
I have been away from my writing for a bit, been trying hard to get through a whole lot of crap that no one, not even I would have been able to dream up.
Yet it happened, all of it, and to this day there are times that I will end up a big mess of tears, or perhaps will stomp around for a few and not be able to get past something that I heard that triggered me and made me feel like I have felt so many times in the past. Of course, right now and in the here and now there is nothing that really makes it actually be like it was for so long…but again…it does happen, more than I let on that it does.
Even as things materially are not happening as fast as I would like for them to happen, they are indeed happening. One of those things that I Am making certain happens is that people on this planet who have survived abuse become conquerors, or at least create themselves to be the people who no longer entertain their demons, but instead tame them and make them become their bitch.
It is far easier said than done.
The last thing that I thought I would ever be was an expert…
It is tough for me to think that of all the things in this lifetime that I would grow up to become, the last thing that I thought about was being an expert in the area of surviving domestic violence. I Am the Expert that I state that I Am because I have done a very good job of both surviving as well as having the very nerve to go out into my world and tell people about it and have chosen to turn my survival from abuse into the job that I love.
The job that I love so much is NOT just hula, NOT just research, NOT just everything that I tell people about, but encompasses all of these things. If I did not have all of these things, I would not be here telling you each and all about how we each have a story. That story, whether it is told publicly or held in private for the purposes of taming oneʻs own demons that were or still are spawned from abuse, while it might have the same energies within it, the bottom line is that everyoneʻs story is unique, is particular to what it is that they have been through, and no one has the right to tell anyone else that it is not good enough, or worse – WRONG!
Whenever I am away from my writing for too long, it is because I am learning something new about something very old. Specifically in my life the “very old” is the thing in my head that keeps telling me and reminding me of where I have been and how I got to where I Am now.
It was not easy, neither pleasant, and no way would I have ever been one to think that anyone at all would be someone elseʻs target for abuse until it became the thing that was Me for a while.
I survived that time in my life for no other reason than that I was meant to so that I could be here and present and in the Now moment to tell others that you also, no matter who you are, can and will survive.
I Am here to tell you that you did not deserve the things that you have been given…all those thoughts about who you are not and never were, and everything that others thought about you because your abuser went out into the world that they shared with you and that you entrusted them with, and everything that you assume is being thought, said, made for you to believe. You were not born to be a victim, but here you are surviving, even if you only barely began to come out of that sleep, that….unwoken…person who you are not and havenʻt ever been.
You are here on purpose, with purpose and for a Divine Purpose, and I will not let you go on blindly without that much knowledge, without that thought – that You Are a Divine Being – in your head today, and hopefully everyday after reading that one thing.
That thought would not ever have the power that it did have over me for a very long time if I were taught another way to think about myself. You see…that is where DV comes from…the thought that we think that we have to be self-sacrificing and that everyone else is more worthy as humans than women are. This is not something that we donʻt go through, because we go through these things now, even in this day and age of having a clue about things, this day and age of being all we are able to be, and this day and age when women are also those who head the household. My mother, grandmother and I, for long stretches of time, could be considered the head of the household. These days I like that I share that with my other half because being in charge is a big responsibility.
Abusers think they are in charge, are in control…then one day, they wake up to the truth. They wake up to the fact that they did another human wrong, harmed someone who they said that they loved, and some of them are so brazen that they believe that even after they have treated you so badly that you still love them.
I Am going to say that no…no you do not love them. You fear them, donʻt realize that through that fear are controlled by them, and to keep you in the energy and the thought that they want you to be in, they tell you what you want to hear, all for the purpose of remaining in that control, tell you the things that just yesterday you were or might have been the opposite of.
And dolls, you do not have to love them. I donʻt care what you were taught in church because I was taught that same way, too. I was taught my parentsʻ version of being Christic, and for a long time and many generations, I believed and followed that line of thinking. Then one day, when I was looking at the world through my own eyes rather than through the eyes and the judgments of other people, even regarding myself, I found out that all along, I was who had the answer.
Where I Am concerned in my own life, I Am still the only one who has that answer, as much as anyone else who has been there and gone through that crap called abuse does.
No one else can answer the question of what we will do for ourselves. No one told us that we had the right to be everything that we were meant at birth to be, which is nothing short of phenomenal.
Let no one else tell you otherwise. Let no one tell you that you are lesser than anyone else, and let no one else tell you that you have no other choice than to wear the label that states that now and forever, you will be one of those abused people.
You were never meant to be that, and it is my job, literally, to make certain that you believe only the good things about yourself rather than just continue believing that you are what you know you have been but are not going to be forever.
It took me a long while to accept that I Am a Survivor of Domestic Violence. It took me a very long time to be able to trust anyone, and right now, even though I trust a few people, I still have a hard time with it. Anyone would.
No one who has not been there in terms of having been anyoneʻs target for abuse can tell someone who has been, and namely if they, themselves, got out of their own abusive situations without the benefit of someone else whoʻd also been there to counsel or coach them. When a person makes it out alive is a good thing, but, that many of us do make it out and do not seek therapy is another thing all together. If anyone on this planet needs to seek therapy after or even during the Chaos called abuse it is someone who is going through these horrific realities.
Abused people feel the stigma of having been someone elseʻs target, carry the weight of what feels like the worldʻs misguided understanding of what it means to survive abuse.
If you have not had to survive it, even though you might have every good intention and want your loved one to know that you care, even though you might have watched it all and felt like you could do nothing other than listen…unless you had to survive it, regardless of how much you saw, you are not the one who went through it all. You can love them and be there for them, but seriously – you cannot, and do not want to be able to relate.
No one can relate unless they have the experience to tell anyone else how they are doing things wrong. This is a big thing, by the way…well meaning loved ones trying hard to understand what we have gone through, not even thinking that telling us that you would have done this, that, or the other – you do not know that you would have. You do not know that you would not have had to go through these things and even now – you do not know that your loved ones will or will not turn on you.
You just do not know.
And speaking of loved ones….domestic violence is NOT limited to just our intimate partner. The word Domestic is defined as being “of the home, household or family affairs” (World Book Encyclopedia Dictionary, 1963) and I can state, honestly, that from my own experiences as being part of a family that really…our insanity starts in childhood. And by this I mean that we are taught when we are children to be or not be the type of person who will stand their ground and will do so without the idea that we have anything else to prove other than Who We Are for real.
In my own life, even right now, there are people who know me who actually ought to know better than to place their weighted judgments on me as though what they did to help me twenty plus years ago still matters now. It doesnʻt. At the time it was what I needed, but to make it so that what someone did a long time ago be the thing that gives them the belief that they are some sort of governing body of thought for any one of us is skewed in their thinking.
….and no….no one owes anyone else for having been given the energy of the “kindness of oneʻs heart” namely when that kindness, we find all these years later, still comes with the condition of “blood being thicker than water” and that by that much alone, anyone who was helped somehow owes anyone else respect, accolades, the idea that the abused or the formerly abused will worship their help that was had a long, LONG time ago.
I said it. Fucking deal with it – you are owed nothing other than the thanks that you got all that time ago. When you help others, do it for real, not for the chance to believe that you saved anyone else. You didnʻt. No one can save anyone else and more than that, the only person who can save someone in the throes of abuse, even after the abuser is gone, is the person experiencing it.
Abused people are the sort who are of a certain and different level of intelligence. We tend to have to use more of our own brain and our own thought process, because we are always in “survive” mode, and unfortunately it takes someone who has been there to be able to guide others through the maze of emotions that not one of us wants to experience, but many of us has. Even after it is all over with, and after there have been put into place those things that seem standard for those who have been where I have been end up….shelters, in court to get restraining orders (or to fight the ones filed on you), in court trying to get a (male) judge to see that the person who abused you has limits placed on them in terms of child custody (which I still am trying to get made right) and the list goes on and on – even after it is all over with, there still is the memory, there still are the echoes that just seem to pop up whenever they damned well feel like it.
And while we know that this is the truth of things, what we are not seeing is that we are numerous, enough so that we would be able, collectively, to effect changes in this world where the abused graduate to “abuse survivor” and eventually to that of “incredible bad ass conqueror.” This is where we all want to end up.
We just need help, time and understanding.
Of late I am finding out how much is NOT understood in the world of the survivor of violence. Specifically the world of those who have survived or are trying to survive, all on their own, much as I know that I had to. There are a lot of services for us, not a lot for the guys who go through this but, when we think about it further – not a whole lot is done for us. This is the reason why we end up surviving and some of us thriving, because for however long it took any one of us, however long it is going to take anyone now….there are not a whole lot of government funded services for folks like us.
I know this because I am stuck squarely in the middle of it. Let it be well known right this moment that when you seek help from your local DPSS, you will be given a few options for your well being through that agency, but you will also be told that you have to “be” “homeless” before the dept will help you….and that just sucks, and is where I Am right now….labeled as “domestic violence homeless.”
You can imagine the stigma that I feel, that I am labeled this because of what someone did to me and that calls me to be thought of in the eyes of the world and until I am no longer this label (which I DO NOT wear at all…at least not the way that many would believe that I do).
I know better but still….this is how we are treated, as though once it is that we are rid of our abuser that everything that came with that person is also gone and so is not the case.
What is the truth is that we end up going on throughout the time that follows the abuse not able to recall who we used to be. That we are not able to do this on the side of ourselves that caused anyone else to manipulate us like we end up being is one thing, but, there are other parts of who we are that are good, that we forget exist, sometimes for years at a time, because for as long, we have been told that that person, that good version of who we used to be, at that time, wasnʻt needed, wanted or even desired to be in existence.
I Am here to tell you that you do not need to be that person anymore. That person was great for the time that they were needed, but right now the new person needs to learn to piece themselves back together, and the new person needs to believe the thing that I Am fond of telling others who make it out – that it is not a sin to Love the Skin You Are In.
We go through so many times in our lives when no one could possibly know what it was like for us, and really, there were and are too many who want to cure your…YOUR situation with their methods of balancing, and most of those methods have to do with violence. I have learned that the one thing that DV survivors abhor, even loathe and detest is violence in any form. When we get to that point in our awakening, to the point where we know, from what we have been through, that violence solves not one thing and causes no good thing to happen for anyone, this is also when we begin to see the world through the eyes of the SURVIVOR rather than the constant victim of the memories that you cannot erase from your mind and the memory that causes anyone at all to believe that they are lesser than they believed themselves to be, and lesser, by far, than what they recall themselves as being.
And to you all, it is something to think about when this survivor tells you that really, you are the only one who you need to survive for, because you do that for the rest of your family and ultimately the world when you make that conscious choice to be everything that you were told that you are not, will not be or cannot be, by right of anotherʻs limitations that by no means of your own did you set for yourself.
Just remember that it is a hard road that must be traversed to picking yourself up where you left off, and instead of starting over, it is wise to recreate…
We are all powerful Creators.
In terms of who you are, let no other thought be Your Truth…
Only you can answer your own questions, because only you have the power to Create your Life.
No one else has the right, neither the power, to enslave you in your thoughts again, once it is that you accept that you are Loved beyond measure, and that without you here, someone is going to miss out on your story…