ZERO SYMPATHY/DOUBLING DOWN

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It is the younger people who we need to make aware of the Truth of Abuse

South Park.

I am not shy about stating that I have always loved the show. There is always a message that the creators of this cartoon have to give to their audience. They tend to be very blatant and very very raw in everything that they do. Their method of getting the message across comes through, at times, in the crudest, most disgusting ways….

…and yes, lots and lots of us love these guys…

The one episode that caught me dearly in the soul was the one titled “Doubling Down,” and I even went so far as to purchase the one episode that hit me, again, in the Soul.

We All Know Someone Like Cartman

The one who I know who is just like Cartman is my kidsʻ father, the one to whom I specifically refer to as being “Idiot boy.”

I have nothing good to say of this person OTHER than that I Am very glad to not be in his life anymore. I removed myself, with the help of the young woman in the photo – my daughter, Gracie, a young woman who pressed on through her time as a student so that she could graduate on time.

The reason that she would need to graduate “on time” is because of her father who did what he could to NOT help his only girl do anything OTHER than give Gracie a reason to shove it in his face that never once since the time that she was about 11 has she truly needed this man for much more than moral support.

The only support that he claimed, and even claimed but a few days ago, was the monetary sort when he reminded me that I did nothing to contribute a dime to the household….I suppose my sanity was not enough.

He did not, and likely does not, care that she, his only daughter, got herself through college with only my prodding her to continue to press on so that she would know what it truly means that anything and everything that she wants she can have, but that it is going to take lots of work, determination, and love, for herself, for her craft, her industry, her life. She is very good at what she does.

I Am stating NOW that her father had not one thing to do with her success, and has nothing to do with the successes of either of her two brothers.

To that end, the only success that he can claim to my present life is that he has offered, unwittingly so, his damned self to being the biggest, dumbest, most foolish and arrogant lab rat known to mankind.

I cannot stomach this person.

He makes me wretch.

For a man – ANY man – to place any sort of material value on another human being is the very wrongest thing that any human being could possibly think to do. Yet, this is what is going on now in our midst, is happening at a very alarming rate, and for the most part, we are again fighting for our rights to safety.

I have maintained that rights are protected, but that safety is not.

This is a travesty, is the thing that no one thinks about in terms of being a public health threat as well as an epidemic – abusers the world over are being found out, but, by the time that we find them out, most of the time, it is sadly too late to do anything about it for the person who is being targeted.

This is how it happens.

This is how it happened to me, to my kids, my family….but it will not happen anymore. There are reasons that the process is what it is, and while I cannot explain the reasons as to why it is that the system is still broken in terms of our rights as first, victims, and then as the survivors who we become – more truly needs to be done. 

Too many women, and as many men, teens, LGBTs….human beings.…are someoneʻs target for private brutalities that not a lot of people will admit to it happening.

In Doubling Downwhere Cartmanʻs girlfriend, character Heidi, constantly makes excuses for the way that she is treated by him is what caused this article to be written. Her excuses for him are the very ones that all of us who have been scarred and marred by this crap have, at one time or another, made – it is rarely to save the abuser from the opinions of others. It is usually so that we do not have to go through more shame, but it happens still, because LOTS OF WELL MEANING FAMILY MEMBERS donʻt know that they practice victim blaming.

In terms of the excuses Heidi made for Cartman…it is his diet, and his childhood, and of course it is his mother….the way that most abusers do – Cartman neither takes responsibility for his abuses towards Heidi, nor does he make any sort of apologies to her until he feels like she has had enough of his crap.

And he does not feel like this until she decides that she is going to leave. This is when his tears fall, and his whiny bullshit starts.

For other abusers, it is also when more threats to our safety, more dings to our emotional selves, and more bullshit happens. It will happen until it doesnʻt.

Hopefully, just one person who reads this will believe that they have had enough of the abuserʻs crap and decide to reach out to anyone, even me, in an email, so that you can know what it is like to make the choice to survive, grow, Become….and all it takes is that first step taken in bravery.

Enough of this crap

There are people on this planet who believe that I stayed because I wanted to work things out, but, the truth is that I could not make him leave without the courtʻs involvement and some sort of physical assault on someone – he chose Gracie, and she is like her mother in more ways than anyone really knows, even herself.

She was through with his antics, and I was and had been through with him for YEARS by that time.

I had had enough.

My kids had had enough, and of course my mother, Goddess bless her, had had fully enough as well, to the point where her health, which was already compromised, was made worse by his crap. To this day, she is still in rehab, trying to regain the ability to walk without much getting in her path.

A lot of people have asked me if I felt responsible for the things that he had done that made my motherʻs health issues worse, and no I do not.

That is just like my ex, by the way, to blame his shit on someone who is, themselves, someone who, at that time, was also his target.

His abuse was nothing that anyone would be able to truly know about unless they were like we were – in his head, too weak ass, because we are women, to really do anything to him OTHER than go to court over it. He underestimated how much his bullshit affected me and the kids.

With that much already said, I have this to say to anyone who is, themselves, getting angry by right of the words that you are reading regarding abusers. If you see yourself in this writing, and can go back to those times in your life when you felt like you needed to bully someone else just to “win” something, even if it were just the right to gloat, you need to back your ass up off of your target and realize now that the only real way to get another human being to do what you want is through reciprocation.

Most abusers have no idea what it means to be in a reciprocal relationship. What that means is that like a relationship ought to be, no matter what kind of relationship it is, it needs to be a balanced energy of “give and receive,” ought to not be something that anyone in any relationship needs to work to just have the right to be safe within it. There is no reason that we ought to feel threatened by someone elseʻs need for control.

If you feel like you need to control anyone else and how they feel about you, you are their problem. They do not have problems unless you expose them to yours, and when you do that to them, you are not loving them. You are shaming them and guilting them and making things harsh for you in the long run. You are scaring them, make no mistake, but with what?

Untruths? About who, them – or yourself? The idea that you can make their work life hell? Why, so you can call them a lazy piece of shit? The fact that you have already made it, in some cases and namely when dealing with people as fucking stupid as you are – with absolute and specific attention being placed on, by right of simply just not being very strong about doing some things, the targeted person.

And it happens everyday from the moment that we do not realize it has begun, but, as days pass and things progress, we begin to know the horrors of being abused. One day we come to terms with being a statistic.

If it gets to that point, the person who is being abused ends up taking things into their own hands, which could mean anything for any one of us.

The way that my daughter and I chose was to do things the way we have always, which is with the highest level of integrity and more, fully knowing very well that the outcome is not ours, but that right in that moment when we have to make that very crucial choice – will it be us who we save this time, or, will we again defer to the excuses that are not for us, but are so practiced at some point that they are automatic. When you hear the excuses in your own voice, it is already a hard thing to deal with but, when you hear, almost verbatim, your words coming out of anotherʻs mouth – in this case they were my words in my daughterʻs voice – you tend to get sad, and then, you get to work – no, not your job…but the work involved in rebuilding your abused self to become your own beautiful creation, your own work of art.

Eventually, you begin to see the pieces, the shards become the very pieces to the mosaic called “Life.”

In my case, it is the dance.

In Gracieʻs, it is the fantastic ability to bring out the beauty in places where we never thought we would…our very shattered selves. The photo is her having given me “Hair like Cherʻs” from her Sonny and Cher days….this is the beauty born of the pain and the shame and the violences of all sorts.

It takes the attitude that you are not going to be nice about things, because you already were for likely a very long time, and you end up feeling like everything that you do is open to the scrutiny of others and typically others who have nothing to do or to say about whatever it is that is in your midst at any time at all.

It takes someone else, typically your own child, to remind you, always, of what is most important, and what is most important is NOT salvaging what is left of an abuserʻs ego.

It takes a long time, waning patience, and eventually coming to that point where we have zero sympathy. When we get there, we also have what is known as being zero tolerance for any kind of abuser or their bullshit, ever again.

I promise. 

This is really how it happens, and how we come to the choices that we end up making, which are always the choices leading us back to who we are, but  never to that person who we used to be at one point. That person is gone, forever, and you ought to be glad for that much.

The person who we end up becoming, with the right kind of help and encouragement, and more than much else, accepting that we are not the ones who are fault and that being someone elseʻs victim is not the same as being the one to blame, even though that is how we are made to think things are.

They are not.

More than that, we are so not what we were told, neither forced into, bullied and beaten to believe.

I have no tolerance for violence, unless it is that of the beautiful violence that is giving birth.

I have ZERO SYMPATHY for anyone who is an eventual and habitual abuser.

Abusing someone else is a choice.

Yes.

I know this.

For sure.

Zero tolerance.

ZERO sympathy.

ZERO SYMPATHY

There is nothing more infuriating than to hear about the antics of people who bring nothing but more and more pain to anyone else, regardless of gender, income, anything.

It hurts me when other women come and ask me, fearfully, what they can do to make themselves appealing to anyone else, because for each one who I encounter, my only answer is to make them know that they are who needs to believe that they re beautiful…to themselves.

This is how we become beautiful again, without regard to the shitty opinion of other people. We have to recall, because it never leaves us, that we are loving creatures, with loving intent, whose love is real. The first person who that same love has to be real to IS our own selves.

Without it, we cannot heal.

We have to be able to believe the good things we are told about who we are by others. We have to remember what it is like to trust other people, not only with who we are, but, with our inability to NOT behave as the person who we are not – remember, your closest people, if they have chosen to remain in your life, have been through a whole lot, too.

They have gone through every tear with you, have been there no matter what, have listened because they knew better than to try to advise, even if they, themselves, had been right where you were, likely for a long time. This is how it happened for me, and the harshest part was that while I had lots of friends whoʻd been through all of those same things that Iʻd been through, what hurt a whole lot was when I found out that my other “best friends” – my cousins, all of them female – had also been through the hardest thing that anyone at all felt like they had to, just to try to be loved like we know and even knew back then that we deserved being.

Oh yeah….STOP WITH THE VICTIM BLAMING…

Most people are well meaning, donʻt mean to say things that sound like it is the fault of the victim for being abused, as though we asked for it.

Most people do not really know what the hell happens in our lives and most people want to give help. They just donʻt know how to do it. They tell us to call the cops, and the cops do nothing because they are preserving the rights of the abuser, the rights of the abused, but they are not required to preserve our safety. This is not their fault. This is how the laws work and we have to be very vigilant in terms of doing what we are able to so that we can each and all stay safe, if from nothing more than the pain of the memories we have.

And all of us has them, these things called memories, and we each and all wear the same wrecked look on our faces, possess the same sound of fear mixed with anger. At some point, we lose the sense of desperation, because that is not who or what any of us is, are, were – what we are is totally DONE with being told what we cannot do, and more interested in what we can do in order to make ourselves safe and make certain that the laws work the way that they are supposed to. The bottom line is that nothing gets done on our behalf unless and until we choose to employ both our rights as free people but more, our rights as humans with the need to stay safe from anything that would make us feel unsafe. 

I have ZERO patience for bullies, for abusers who have every excuse as to why it is that they are the way that they are. We all had shitty times as a kid, and some of us have mommy or daddy issues.

There is not one of us who likes or liked being abused. Tere is not one of us who wanted or yet wants that one thing that we, as humans, want, no matter what – to feel safe and secure within ourselves, without the energy of fear as given to us by anyone else.

We might be those who ought to not fear anyone, but the fear remains after the fact, and when it is that these same people share kids with you, it makes them feel like because of that much, they have the right to do like they did in the past BUT, with the idea that since a judge made it so, we have to still talk to them and we have to still endure their bullshit.

No.

No we do not. 

It takes a ZERO SYMPATHY attitude to deal, not just with your abuser, but also with yourself. You MUST not have any sort of feeling OTHER THAN anger at the things that have happened that you did not bring to your own life. We are expected to put up with things for “the sake of the children” but no one asks those children.

I asked mine – they told me that they would rather not have to deal with him, would rather not have to go through the pain of defending who we are versus trying to get away from the person who we are being told we are but are not. That is what abusers do – they try to make us believe that who we are not is who we truly are, and that who we have always been is bad, is stupid, is meant to be abused because who we have always been and according to any abuser, is someone who is completely crazy, out of control with madness and that no one will love us if we do not change who we are FOR THEM and for anyone else.

Doubling Down

Yeah…I know – not everyone likes to watch South Park, but, this one is different.

The entire flavor of the show is in this episode, but, for those who have been there, for those who see your own kids, namely your daughters, going there, and yeah – HELL yeah…for those who can see your loved ones, even your children, going there and being abusive, then, it will pay off in some small way if you watched this episode.

It will pay off for anyone who has watched other people go through this garbage, because it gives an approachable way to have those questions you may have for your loved ones in the script for this episode.

It will make sense to anyone who likes juvenile comedy (which I TOTALLY do) and will make sense to a kid who is going through this or is, themselves, the bully….it will make sense in that they are going to see who they are, who they might not realize that they have become on some level, and seeing the episode might trigger them into behavior that negates the thing that we donʻt want ANYONEʻS KIDS to become….

…the abused…and of course, those who will abuse.

We can stop it from happening in our own lives, and maybe if we are able to do that, we might, through those who we share the most with, effect the rest of our communities.

If we are able to effect our communities, we might be able to get the attention of those people who we would need to make aware of the truth in reality of abuse within each of our citiesʻ borders.

If we are able to bring about change in our cities, we then might get the attention of those at the county level, and if we are able to do that, one day we might effect change at the state level, and from there, the federal….

…eventually, the global level.

But first, we have to make it clear….

There is ZERO SYMPATHY for abusers, and we are DOUBLING DOWN on the bravery of those who are yet in the throes of violence, regardless of what sort it is.

It is time to get the global village together, time to protect the future….ours….

Mine.

Yours.

Everyoneʻs.

It is that important. 

A cartoon made it a family thing.

Cartoons are pretend.

This oneʻs message was not.

Share this with those who you love the most.

It might make the difference needed…

#ThinkAboutIt

#LosAngelesKahunaRox #TheCrabAndTheFish

#UnSilenceTheViolence #ZEROSYMPATHY #DOUBLINGDOWN

Roxanne is a Domestic Violence Advocate, Expert, and Empowerment Life Coach for those desirous of birthing their new selves. To book a coaching session, please visit her website and click here to book an appointment via email. …and above all – #STAYSAFE

 

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One thought on “ZERO SYMPATHY/DOUBLING DOWN

  1. I hear you sister and fully relate. After my mother died, nearly 3 months ago, I finally realised that I couldn’t take anymore crap from my partner of 8 years and I ended it the day after my mom died! It’s like I needed her strength because we are a long line of abused woman, starting with my grandmother who was raped and given to an arranged marriage.. forced to have an abortion because they did not believe her pregnancy was her husband’s even though she was just a 16 year old girl being shunned around and used and abused.. but she survived and gave enough love to my mother to start changing things.. she was a warrior my mother! She fought and slayed through the patriarchal industry of electrical engineeeing, self taught and raised a business that was about to die, into a family business that is taking care of her grandchildren now.. but she was beaten and abused.. and she survived and gave her daughters more choice and the legacy continued, my sisters and I are all divorced BECAUSE we won’t take the crap anymore but getting into abusive relationships is all too easy, and so there I found myself again not being physically assaulted but mentally as you describe in your article that horrible doubt that gets into your bones and you’ve been convinced that you aren’t who you are and that who you are duped into believing you are will never be good enough or worthy of anyone else’s love! I’m done with that crap and even find myself standing up to chauvinist men in shops who are treating me differently because I am “just” a woman.. and most are embarrassed and look away in shame but one or two have actually apologised to me.. It’s a long road but machetes in hand, mothers and daughters and sons are changing this landscape. Strength and Love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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