I Am asking for the world to pray with me.
I Am desirous of being okay, and am, in so many ways, not feeling like I will be okay again.
I have been through a whole lot.
Life is filled with things and events that I have no control over, but the thing that I have control over is how I feel….most of the time, but how I feel right now is less than the way that I care to feel, is the way that I have denied myself from feeling for a very long time.
Something about Being Strong….I Am Very Strong….but I Am Very Tired, too.
There are times when I could just Be Weak, but then, it would just throw me into that mindset where I HAVE TO BE strong.
I am tired of being strong.
I want to be ….a woman…about things…because that is what I Am….a very tired Woman who needs the world to pray with her and for her right now.
Right now, I suppose is how I Am showing whatever is my weakness.
Right now it feels like I am opened wide in the Soul.
Right now I am feeling ENORMOUS emotional pain, the sort that makes a person just want to not see the light of day….for a long set of days.
It is sufficient to say that this depression shit is kicking me hard, is making me think things that I do not care to think, and things that took me a long set of years to convince myself I Am….and one of those things that I Am is Strong but right now….
….I do not want to be strong…
I do not want to be strong.
I want to cry.
I want to let the rain fall from my eyes and into my lap like they have been doing for a long time now, and I want to envelope myself in the safety that is the darkness of my soul and I want to just not feel anything, anymore.
I know better than to allow that feeling and that sensation to “win”….right now it is hard for me to think clearly about a lot of things OTHER than school….I Am a Brain Goddess there…the Queen Mum of the Cool Kids with a high GPA…I Am the Me who I would be there.
In the rest of my life? Yeah….I want to trust what I know is the Truth, about anything, and I want to feel safe in the knowledge that people will just do the right thing, and maybe my ideals are skewed in what is, and what is not, the “right” things to do, to think, to say, to make manifest….it is not like I wanted to manifest these events, or these feelings, because I KNOW that I Am my Very Best Student of All Things Divine and Sacred…
I feel like the things that I have said and the things that I want to say are all the same things, and I feel, at times, like I am being ignored, starved for the things that are desired by all of us, like I give and give and give…my word, my truth, my life, my Self, and sometimes, I just feel like I am running on empty. I feel like the only thing that I have to share with other people are shitty things that happen to me, and when that happens, I also feel like I am bothering people, because my story does not change and for the life of me, it feels like I cannot get out of any of this, even with help.
It feels like no matter how many times I have changed the story, no matter how many times I have taken the time to change the energies, no matter how many times I have looked at any situation with an open mind that even when I do not think the thought that this shit is going to just stay like it is…. I cannot get ahead, and I cannot get out of my head, and I cannot NOT want things to be different.
I cannot sit here feeling like I have done enough (because, you know, I am here to save the world….no I am not) and I cannot sit here crying for the rest of my life, because this shit is not going to last that long…but still….I am trying so hard to be Strong, but all I feel like is that I am weak, like I am a burden, like there was something that I did that I do not recall having done that made things be the way that they are.
It feels like all the shitty things that I went through when I was a kid are still there and happening, and that all the things that I did not know that anyone else expected of me are somehow the things that are getting in the way now (because apparently and karmically I am somehow the poster child for the Universal FUCK YOU and always will be, and one fucking word about me whining and I am GOING TO get VERY CRAFTY on people….this writing is not a joke….laughing at me is just going to prove me RIGHT again, and I am certain that people KNOW that when it comes to working hard on oneʻs life, it is NOT A JOKE TO ME)
(And PLEASE save the words from coming to me in ANY form that I need to breathe…all I DO IS BREATHE and all I GET IS COTTONMOUTH – WITHOUT THE WEED….)
There are so many things that I have wanted, that I have asked for, that I have worked towards, that I have been the best at whatever I could have been at those times, even when it was that it also felt like my entire world was pushing against me, making it seem like the things that I worked so hard to have could just be taken away from me, by anyone, but mostly my peace of mind, and when I think about that much, I find that that is the thing that has eluded me the most, for the most of my life.
Right now, I would like peace of mind…and money…and security with others, because apparently the thing that I teach others to create are the very things that no matter how many times I try for me at the personal level – where it is my efforts meant for my fucking god damned self, fails.
It fails and makes me feel like a fucking failure, too – I mean…who the hell does any of us know OTHER THAN ME who gives everything she is to everything that she does, for herself or anyone at all, only for those things to feel like they come up short, every time?
The feelings of being stupid are there and prevalent, of being just not enough are there and looming and it feels like it all has a different face, a different personality, a different motive and that none of it is for me but for others to protect themselves from me, because the only thing that I know to do is to tell the truth.
The truth is that I am staring at yet another holiday season where my kids will not have anything under a tree that will not be wherever we are because we are busy trying hard to not fall apart, and we are busy trying to not to tear each other apart, and we are busy being selfish, I guess, and self centered, and we are busy just not thinking about anyone else but our god damned own selves, and why does it feel like I just cannot do that?
Why does it feel like I just cannot think about ME first?
Am I that bad, guys?
Am I that bad, so much so, that I sometimes feel like no matter what the fuck I do, nothing good will come from it, because look at how things happened for me, all on my own, from a very young age, and when the fuck was it my turn to be rewarded for being a good human being by being given more and more to deal with, as if I want to, regardless if I Am Able to….
…and why is it so like pulling teeth for me to be both fine and good on my own and at the same time feeling like the shittiest person on the planet, simply because I could not save everyone from the things that I, myself, have no no NO control over, even and at times the way that I feel about me….like right this moment when I feel like I am sitting in this energy that makes me feel like I have to do something to make things right….
…but right for whom?
I donʻt even know how to do that much…because I have been answering the energy that is my mother in my head, that is my Nana in my mindʻs eyes, doing things for others all the time without expectation that I will receive those energies back, and like a dumb fuck I act like I can do without those things, but, right this moment when the New Moon in Scorpio is about to kick in, I am sitting here in tears.
It might be that since Scorpio makes things be this way so that we can recognize it all is why, and maybe it is because I Am supposed to learn how to not feel this way, or maybe it is that time in my life that, because of the moon, I am having to let go of this feeling and the pattern that brought it to me, and maybe that is what the Scorpio energy for me right now is making me feel – maybe I am supposed to feel this way so that I can get rid of the notion that I cannot ask for help….because that is what I am doing right this moment.
I am reaching out to the world and asking the world to embrace my shattered soul, and I am asking that the world please pray for me, pray that I can deal with all of this pain and pray, please, for gentleness, rather than what I have been met with for far too long now.
Pray, please, that I can stop crying, that I will stop worrying about things that I have no control of the outcome of, that I can just stop being or trying to Be Good at all times and just be a god damned human female being who is going through a whole LOT of shit right now, and it is shit that it seems no one thinks that I go through.
I go through it all the time.
Like all other women, I want things to be lovely, and I want things to be what they used to be but even I am aware that the past is back there and nothing can be done about it. I am aware that the future is not here yet, and that the only thing that I can exact on it is my own will for my own self…not anyone else, just me, and yeah – each time I have done that, where I, alone and on my own is concerned, it fucking falls apart.
I take care of my life. No one can ever say that I never have. It is all that I seem to be doing and knowing how to do – take care of my fucking life.
Sometimes it feels like I Am Able to cut loose and get wild again, but it also feels like that part of me has died….like that Me is somehow no longer allowed to surface because inevitably it gets cut off and shut down and I am left with the pieces that always seem needing to be glued back together. It feels like I have forgotten how to be a goof, have become horrifically ….cardboard-like….as if I am bereft of emotion, bereft of the need for healing and no longer able to grab a part of the joy that once was the thing that was so easily seen by others in me, that to hear that it is still there seems like a foreign language to me because I left to wonder how the hell ANYONE could still see That Version of Me.
The moment that I state these things, it is as if I am talking about anyone else but me, and right now I can actually truly state that it is the new moon that is making this happen – making me shed the former energy that I am not allowed, by right of my ordination, by right of my inner self as warrior woman, as unsinkable – more so than the Unsinkable Molly Brown – and I know that there will be people who will read this who will think it is because of them that I feel like this, but that is not the truth either.
What is the truth is that there are people on this planet who thought so little of me, for a long time, and what happened there is that I trusted them to embrace me as me, and not expect me to be able to weather the storm that a girl who i used to be needed her family to have her back, to shield her from the nastiness of the world by telling her the truth. Instead, her family told her the fairy tale version of Life, where the stork brings the babies, and women do not like sex because we are told what we like and who we love and we are made to believe that without the rest of the world to be there for us and approve of us, we are nothing.
I could blame it on them, but, right now I am busy blaming the ills of the world on myself, because I am supposed to be able to save the world without getting tired, without my wingʻs getting somehow broken in flight….
How in the fuck does anyone see wings, when really, it is a broomstick?