Preparing for the AfterWards….
You have all each seen these kids in photos with me throughout the course of the last couple of years, and posted in all of my blogs at one time or another.
They have been my joy for 24 years now, and while there are things that they have done that have made me both proud and also made me want to run and hide to cry, there is never a day that has gone by or will go by that will ever, I hope, make them feel like I did not do all I could for them when I could do things for them. They are all older now, and no I do not feel like an old bat, even though I say it about myself at school…
Because we are that generation of mothers who marked the end of what was then and at that time, the oppression that was made ours through the women who did not know any better…the women who we, ourselves, called Mom…is now at its end point….Astrologically, even, and according to Dr. Loretta Standley…
So, I know there are whole lot of women on this planet who are not sure what the hell they want to do with themselves and their lives after they have raised their kids and sent them out into this great big world.
I used to be one of them. I want you to each and all stop judging yourselves for not thinking about what the hell it is that you want to do for yourself, in that time that will be your eventual Now Moment….which is that moment that came for me just a few months ago.
I love my kids. They have been my Life for 24 years. I cannot remember what it is like to not have them be in contact with me, even from far, far away. I have been there for them, Am there for them, WILL ALWAYS BE THERE for Them….they know this in their bones.
but I forgot…neglected, even, and did not even think to pose it as a question to myself…a question that had many more components which require many more answers, thereby making it not a question, but, an outline.
An outline whose words will reveal to me, did reveal to me, the thing that I Became, even through the violence of body, mind, heart, soul, person…Me….telling Me My Own Story. My Own Story included returning to school for the third time…because I Am That, as well…one of those Magickal Women
For a very long time I was scared – I did not know what the hell it was that I would do for myself once it was that my kids were old enough to be by themselves at home, let alone in the world.
It is not something that we moms do not think about from the moment that we know they are going to be in our lives – what the hell are we going to do for ourselves once it is that they have learned to wipe their own ass, and then further, what the hell do we do with ourselves, and our time, our talents and our gifts – once it is that the kids no longer need us?
The answer is never easy.
I chose to study behavior. It is where the Magick Part of Me, the Scientist, is allowed free reign – no, not at school, but feeling very well at home as my very intelligent Self at School.
I chose a very long time ago to delve into the deeper inclinations of human behavior, chose, more than one time, to continue my education and this time – the third set of degrees – will be the one that ends with a Doctorate in Behavioral Science …because why?
Because it is my place in this lifetime, alongside a lot of others, to help guide other women back to their Truth in Self…and it is never an easy thing to do….
…no, not figure out what you want to be when you are done raising kids.
You are already what it is that you are going to be, which is Yourself.
And you as Yourself, because for at least 18 years of your own life, you have been wearing the name “Mom” and it fit…are no longer just and only Mom. Eventually, you also wore the name “Auntie” and “Miss” but, overall, when you first found out that you would be experiencing bringing life into this world, immediately you were only thinking about that child, and then possibly thought about more children later on, leading to the group of kids in your life who call you Mom. Always, the kids in the photos that you see that look a whole lot like me are the people who call me that – they call me Mom, and I am fierce as that person in their lives, even as right at this time in my own life there are a lot of things that are different for me…yes, even with that person who I, myself, call Mom.
But, unlike my own Mother, the last thing that I will be carrying on is the idea that once they are no longer in need of me to teach them how to pee, read, eat, shower, dress, LIVE on their own that I am useless as anything or anyone else.
I found out, in no uncertain terms, that I Am NOT who I was raised to Become.
I Am Who I Chose to Become, and that tends to irritate a lot of people. It is hard for people to think about how to change their vocabulary, because in doing we change the way that we feel about certain words. When I tell people that words are powerful, I mean that exactly.
There is a reason that it is called SPELLing…and why I am so damned good at it…it has, it is taking me a long time to actually THINK about it…I was raised to be “Against” what religion at that time taught us all. We were told things out of fear and believed them because we were taught to be blind to things that we do not understand. At the same time, ours was the generation of mothers who impressed upon my generation the importance of being well educated. In their ignorance, many of them mistake, still, the term “well read” for “educated.”
Collectively, we listened to our mothers, and we learned to read, and to write, and to do mathematical equations and learned how to reason through science and experimentation….our mothers, many of them, mine for sure, might not have said it but they were not that well learned about what it was that we wanted for ourselves.
We wanted to be smart…so we got that way, and we kept getting that way, and keep getting that way. We are in a lot of pain, collectively, and it is because we chose awareness over ignorance. We chose to be smarter, and we chose, for them even, to be fierce, even though we might have had to be Brave through it all, let the tears fall where they did and do and remind ourselves that it is this important.
This is the message that my specific generation of moms and presiding women in the collective lives of children want the world to know -NO….we are not just the moms of the world, not just that next set of future old ladies who will sit around playing fuckinʻ bingo whilst utilizing what troll doll mojo we think we need in order to win that gift basket filled with ugly Christmas sweaters, getting on to what I have christened as being the iHop Party Bus (hahahahah Line 492 West hahahahahahahaaa) so that they can hurry off to the next middle of the day play and buffet….hahahaha…ya donʻt fuckin say hahahahaa, right?
No no no…my specific generation is that generation of moms who either had moms just as rabid as we are about our daughterʻs rights, or, are the very opposite of us and who need to be taught about this one thing – we were not ever meant to JUST be mothers, because in believing that, we are JUST meant to become lesser than who we are for real, and right now that is the energy of this planet….it is all out war on women and well….
Not on your life, people…never now, never ever….
No, this is not my saying anything to anyone OTHER than those who would just as soon thing that the next thing that you read will make even MORE sense now when you ask yourself why it is that you feel so guilty in wanting something JUST for yourself?
You shouldnʻt feel that way.
I donʻt now.
I thought I would but I know that I canʻt because like every other time it mattered to me I would have to think about things for a long couple of days and nights and I would have to see myself inside of that issue in some manner – becoming part of the issue so that I can recall what it was like to become part of the solution, and it was all the same.
I chose for ME this time….without guilt even…
That is not a bad thing, at all.
I guess I must remind you each and all, mothers, daughters, teachers, aunts, everyone….one day, you are all going to be facing this same question, and just to think about it for a moment, I actually sat here thought about that question….What are you going to do for YOU now, lady?
Well, I Am doing it.
And I Am going to keep doing it.
I am going to keep on encouraging people to stay focused on those things that enrich themselves as well as others, to keep on caring for the world in which you each and all live and remember that it is different than momming it all…you are not required to do that.
You are more than that.
You are more than just who you are to each person who you hold closeness with.
I Am More than just their Mom, like I Am more than just His Pineapple Girl, and More than just a Twin Fish, and More than just his sister…I Am More Than I Am Prepared to Accept That I Am….because itʻs a whole fuckinʻ lot more than even This Pisces thought She Was….
…and still does not know what the big deal is about a whole lot of things…and it doesnʻt matter because I Am Me.
I Am This Me….not a New Me….just This Me….
And that is what I believe we all need to do for ourselves first…..
The answer is I Love This Me….that is what I am going to do for me now…just Love Being This Me…
Astrologically, it makes sense. Which neurologically makes me feel lots more at peace about things….
Not because I answered anything but because I tried to…
That is all any of us can do is try…so try it